Overdue update

I have a lot of work to do. The rest of my life seems to be falling apart - but not necessarily in a bad way. I feel like, looking back, all of the activities of my life have been revolving around something that I've never been able to put my finger on. But I don't think they were supposed to be.

The worst aspect that's fallen down is my relationships. Some friends I have an awkward aftertaste around, so I'm scared to speak to them. Some friends I'm a little bitter towards because of the way they've been treating me. Some friends I'm treating badly because of my lack of sufficient respect towards them. Some friends I simply don't see at all any more. It's easy to blame it on a new full-time job - I've been relinquishing a lot of activities as a result. But it simply isn't an excuse, I've got plenty of free nights. I'm just lazy or bitter.

My personality has been so mellow lately. I used to have way more initiative, aggression, and I just plain used to think more than I do now. Is this what happens growing up in America? Becoming an adult? I've always looked towards most middle aged people during my college years and such, scorning them for becoming so god damned complacent, wishy-washy, fat, and passive. Now, when I'm happy, I'm only a little happy. When I'm sad, I'm only a little sad. When I'm active, I'm only a little active. What the hell am I becoming?

Money has been so tight that I've had to pick up my old part-time job in addition to my full-time job. I can't remember the last time I've prayed to the God I know exists. I haven't gone to my church community in about a month. I'm dropping my talents to the ground in an inability to apply them to my real life. These are all sounding very familiar...

Ever since my Praxis broke up, I've held a sort of bitterness, but not really in the direction of any one person. The night of its break-up, Jenn actually said that she'd work really hard on finding another praxis for us to migrate to, but I haven't heard a word from her on that. So I'm feeling a little dropped off by the Status community, since that was over two months ago, and I'm not sure if I want to come back. Having gone there for 4 years, volunteered for 1, and been in a praxis for 6 months... it is now like none of that ever happened (as far as community goes). Waste of time? Hopefully not, but I don't really know what else to think. Everyone I've ever invited to Status has always called it kind of clique-ey, and I've always disagreed - loyal to the core. Funny that that explanation would actually fit the circumstances here quite well. Guess I just never made it "in".

So as far as Relent Respond goes, it's probably the best thing for me right now- but the last thing I'll get. Weird, huh? These aspects: relations, emotions, finances, spirit, etc... they've all hit the ground. I think it's because this whole time... I've been the one revolving them. I've placed them around something where I thought they should go, but it failed. So either I'm revolving them around the wrong thing, or they're the wrong things to try and make revolve around the right thing. Those last sentences make sense to me, so I'm sorry if you can't follow it.